The sheer amount of energy it takes to be HATED by someone is staggering. It consumes you. It’s what you think about when you wake up. It’s what is in the back of your mind when you’re washing dishes or cooking dinner. It’s forefront in your mind when you’re reading another diatribe. It pervades your sleep, teasing your mind into complying with its games even when you’re trying your hardest to forget and just … JUST rest.
The sense of betrayal is always there as well. Everything you do – EVERY SINGLE THING – is something you did before, when you were loved – or thought you were. When you trusted, and were trusted – or thought you were. When you were partnered with this person who you thought had your back. Would defend you through thick and thin. Would LOVE. YOU. Only you. ALL of you. Or so you thought.
People tell you “It’ll get better. This is for the best.” But it doesn’t feel like it ever will get better. It’s almost like telling someone with cancer – a disgusting disease that is eating at your very soul – “it’ll get better”. It will never be the same kind of “better”. Of course, some day, the day might come when every thought, every feeling, isn’t doused in a healthy dose of regret and hurt. That day may come when the first thing I think about when I wake up isn’t “ok, what’s he gonna pull today?”. But I have a feeling that that day is a long way off.