heartbreak Archive

What rhymes with hickdead?

teasing me only to push me away…

testing the waters to see if you still hold sway…

tempting me with your appeal…

In another attempt to make me feel…

like someone who would be happy, proud…

but being with the likes of you, disallowed…

fuck your games, your precious self…

I’ll put you back up on the shelf…

and wait for the one who can appreciate me…

and not the one who acts like a puss-y.

Alone.

I took this photo many years ago when we were still living in northern New Hampshire. I happened to notice the sunlight coming into our tiny bathroom window, and ran to get my camera. Balancing one foot on each side of the tub’s edge, I snapped this photo because the scene absolutely spoke to me.

alone
Alone

Later, when I got it printed, it moved me even more. That tree was me.

That’s me – that tree, standing there alone – exposed to the elements, with nothing (or no one) for shelter.

“But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when
your parents die, you feel like instead of going
in to every fight with backup,
you are going into every fight alone.”
Mitch Albom, For One More Day

Words can’t always heal

words1My heart was recently – absolutely – shattered by someone I never expected to do it. One friend flat-out said “I don’t know how to help you” – another just didn’t answer the phone or texts.

Telling someone who has lost someone – that it’s for the best, or that you are better off, or – in the case of death – that they’re in a better place – causes MORE rage. It does NOT help the person who is mourning that loss.  It makes them feel even more alone, isolated.

While this began as a response to a facebook post by someone who was discussing how to help someone who’s lost someone, I realized that it’s a subject too close to my own heart to merely comment on something that will soon be gone.  I don’t KNOW how to comfort someone whose heart has been shattered other than reciting the same cliche’ responses other people have.  NOTHING and NO ONE can make the hurt go away.

And it sucks.

energy

The sheer amount of energy it takes to be HATED by someone is staggering. It consumes you. It’s what you think about when you wake up. It’s what is in the back of your mind when you’re washing dishes or cooking dinner. It’s forefront in your mind when you’re reading another diatribe. It pervades your sleep, teasing your mind into complying with its games even when you’re trying your hardest to forget and just … JUST rest.

 

The sense of betrayal is always there as well. Everything you do – EVERY SINGLE THING – is something you did before, when you were loved – or thought you were. When you trusted, and were trusted – or thought you were. When you were partnered with this person who you thought had your back. Would defend you through thick and thin. Would LOVE. YOU. Only you. ALL of you. Or so you thought.

 

People tell you “It’ll get better. This is for the best.” But it doesn’t feel like it ever will get better. It’s almost like telling someone with cancer – a disgusting disease that is eating at your very soul – “it’ll get better”. It will never be the same kind of “better”. Of course, some day, the day might come when every thought, every feeling, isn’t doused in a healthy dose of regret and hurt. That day may come when the first thing I think about when I wake up isn’t “ok, what’s he gonna pull today?”. But I have a feeling that that day is a long way off.