none of that mattered (v 2)

“You made me feel things that I haven’t felt in years”, he said.

I felt my

heart squeeze

and my

eyes burn.

Sunset on Puget Sound

We weren’t talking about any one subject, just the sum total of my trip to meet him for the first time after being platonic friends online for 2+ years. I was home, 2600 miles away, curled up alone in my bed and sad because it had been much more difficult to leave than I had imagined it might. Every time we started talking about how much we had both enjoyed the weekend, he would specifically tell me, “I’m not trying to put more on your shoulders. I’m not going to blow up your world”. He knows that I am not ready to settle down, that I see other people. We are on opposite sides of the country. I have young kids, his is nearly grown. He has his problems, his addictions, as I have mine.

None of that mattered when we were curled up together, giggling at a tv show, or snuggling in the hot tub.

None of that mattered when he reached out for me in the middle of the night.

None of that mattered when I pretended not to hear him getting sick. 

[edited out for protection from the chompy police]


My ministrations still felt GOOD to him. The things I did to him sent shivers up his spine, tossed his head back, made him growl and watch me with such heat in his eyes. It didn’t bother me that my attention wouldn’t make him grow as quickly as it would someone else. It didn’t matter, because I was making him feel GOOD anyway, with no expectations.

His strength and virility


in his eyes, smiling as we discussed everything and nothing;

his hands, as they sought mine, offered his jacket, stroked my hair;

his laugh, when we’d tease each other about my height or his bear slippers;

the pride in his stride as he walked along with me on his arm;

the strength in the hand on the small of my back as we entered a room;

the deep timbre of his voice, telling me how much he misses me and had enjoyed the visit;

It was


It was



I’m leaaaaving on a jet plane….

I don’t know when I’ll be back again….

Actually, I’ll be back on Monday.  but yeah… I’m leaving!


A friend from Runescape has invited me out to consult on his new business that he’s looking to buy in Seattle.  He’s paid for my ticket, sent me travel money, and has the hotel booked. Everything is set.  I have not been away from the kids for any length of time in 6 years.  I haven’t been on a vacation in 13 years.  THIS IS EPIC.  My friend (RICK) assures me that this is a vacation, and we’ll be doing all sorts of touristy things like a casino, a ferry ride, the space needle.

I’m really excited about it!

I’ve never met Rick but we’ve talked and been friends for a few years on Runescape.  I’ve spoken to his ex-wife and she assures me that he’s kind, loyal, a great guy that she merely grew away from.  He does drink, which I was aware of, but he has already let me know I’d be doing the driving while we’re there, which I’m perfectly content with.

What rhymes with hickdead?

teasing me only to push me away…

testing the waters to see if you still hold sway…

tempting me with your appeal…

In another attempt to make me feel…

like someone who would be happy, proud…

but being with the likes of you, disallowed…

fuck your games, your precious self…

I’ll put you back up on the shelf…

and wait for the one who can appreciate me…

and not the one who acts like a puss-y.


While I have not vetted the information in the article I read about jealousy, it was something worth sharing on the website I spend a lot of time on.  I wondered, and therefore did what any normal human does – googled – do men feel that same spurt of *whatever* hormone our brain releases when we perceive a reason to be jealous.  In this case, I wondered if one of my lovers (for lack of a less cliche word) would feel that pang of jealousy if he saw that I had “friended” another man – much less one that I’d mentioned had wanted to do some photography OF ME.  I know that we have NO commitment to each other, but I truly like this man.  I know that I get that pang whenever I see him befriend another woman.  He knows that I date other men, and he says he dates also – although he hasn’t recently (or as recently as last week).

So does he feel that pang when I befriended this man?  I haven’t got the nerve to ask him, because it just SCREAMSSssss “DRAMA. DRAMA!  ALERT! ALERT!  RUN! RUN!”  So I sit and wonder to my reader.


Women’s Health article on jealousy

Week 12, 2016


I was talking to a friend online last night.  He’s fun, flirty, and has a few years on me.  If he were closer than oh… 8 hrs away… I’d definitely love to meet him.  I told him the other night that I hope to meet his Tennessee twin some day, because he seems to encompass much of what I would like to find in a companion.  He’s terribly smart, very witty, and has SUCH a way with words, it serves to melt me.

When he says things like “Thank you darling – I am sure not everyone could get away with that……but i would take care of you and satiate all your needs.”, it’s difficult for me to not pack the car and head north LOL

In any case, it’s that sort of person that I crave, but whom I know is both a figment of my imagination, and of an era gone by.

I did have a couple of dates this week, though nothing I can really write about 🙂 We enjoy each other’s company and that’s exactly enough for me right now.

In other crappy news, I have to go to court on Monday to make sure the court only hears the motion to force me to sign the parenting plan (which I have signed), and not allow Chompy to make changes that they’ve made a motion to do, on FRIDAY.  My lawyer isn’t showing up, and wrote a pointed letter to his attorney reminding her of civil hospitality or something.  In any case, I hate going to this court.  It’s the one that he went to initially, to accuse me of child neglect and all kinds of other shit.  The court ordered us to mediation, which we did in July and now here we are.  It’s been almost exactly one year since this order was official, so I am hoping that this will be the end.  At least for now.


This is why online dating is a lesson in futility

Mr Wonderful’s profile:

My self-summary
Were are all the good respectful lady’s? Hello, mature ,quality ,respectful professional , self employed man own my own Business very outgoing and athletic in great shape,confident,polite,charming many talents,got my life together.Im very selective my time is valuable looking for a beautiful inside and out lady that’s kind,considerate,respectful easy going that takes good care of herself and shares the same . But if your into getting drunk, smoking,you’re not honest, don’t have a income,can’t hold a intelligent conversation, if you emotional issues or take psychological drugs no need contacting me and you actually want to meet a quality gentleman it’s not rocket science.
What I’m doing with my life
Living a good clean life.
I’m really good at
Fixing things,conversations,about anything hard to do and training dogs, lol
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Taking care of mind body spirit,helping people, living on the beach( someday soon)
On a typical Friday night I am
At a high school ball game or out enjoying live music
I admit, his profile pissed me off just a bit, so I wrote to him:
  • While I can appreciate your insistence that someone be respectful, your profile is anything but. The grammar police have all passed out. You’re of exceptional quality? Are you a side of beef? Come on now. YOU ARE ON A DATING SITE. You have flaws just as much as everyone else. Demanding that everyone else not… is just 1 sided and narcissistic. Good luck with your search.
  • Lol, I appreciate your banter. The fact is the profile don’t read and non appealing females message me so I have to be firm on that. Good luck to you

Winner of this week’s WTF moment

This is his profile.

.I’m 37 From Southeastern KY …I been in this lifestyle for a while now. Anyone who likes my pics and would like to chat please message me , I’m looking for anything from a play date , hook up , to being a live in slave , please message me ….Looking for someone to Help me learn how to serve Satan ….

This is the message he sent me:

please talk to me please !!!!! I am 36. I am from Southeastern KY. I am Looking to be a live in slave. I have been looking for this for a long time. I know I have a odd case but I wish you would think about this. Yes I am Married , I got married when I was 18 and I hate my wife and life . I have kids …16 and 15 my wife is a RN and she will take great care of them . I AM LOOKING TO DROP OFF THE EARTH …BECOME A FULL TIME LIVE IN SLAVE AND NO ONE I KNOW EVER FIND ME AGAIN …I have to have it this way ..I would give you my mind heart body and soul and make the best slave you ever had ..little to know limits ..please please think about it …Thank You with much Respect …Slave Bailey