Friends have told me that the “firsts” will be hard to deal with. The first birthdays, the first holidays, etc.
I’m not bothered that I’m “alone” for the holidays – i.e. I’m not in a romantic relationship with someone. If truth is told, Chompy and I hadn’t been in one in several years. We were in the same house, but we weren’t of the same heart, same mind. We didn’t sit down on Christmas Eve, after the presents were under the tree, kids tucked in bed, and appreciate each other and the holiday together. We went our separate ways, to our separate beds, to wait for the morning.
What is already weighing on my mind is that I will be physically alone on those days, without my kids around, for a portion of those days.
I will be left alone with my thoughts, memories, and broken heart.
That’s the bad time for me. Left alone to re-think all the things I did wrong in my broken, heart-breaking friendship. Time to imagine how Chompy’s life is now, how his relationship is obviously so much better than ours was, and how he gets a do-over, and I don’t. This past weekend, he picked up the kids for what was supposed to be them raking leaves. When he showed up, it was them and she was driving. My oldest had already left for the day, and so I was left alone, physically, in my house. I tried to keep the tears at bay, playing my game, listening to music, doing some stuff around the house. I cooked a little bit, but mostly, my emotions just took over and I couldn’t stop from imagining them
having one of those picture-postcard days of romping in the leaves, everyone smiling and happy – with MY children – while I sat here eating spaghetti & crying.
Because he never gives specific times, I couldn’t really go and do anything. He controls me even now. “I’ll drop them off by or before 7pm.” He dropped them off at 6:58.
The last time I wasn’t home when he decided to bring them home, he took them and dropped them off at his parent’s house, a place that I do NOT want them. I HAVE to be here when he deigns to drop them off. And no, he did not text to let me know he was on his way back with them on Sunday.
So I will be alone on this first Thanksgiving in my new life. I will be alone on this first Christmas in my new life. I will be alone on this first New Years in my new life.
I don’t know HOW to do alone.
Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is
the most terrible poverty. ~Mother Teresa