Just me…broken… but getting better

The following is an honest list of what’s going on in my world at this very second.

I am:

• playing Canasta on my phone …while
• researching blog editing software …while
• downloading an image to go with a blog post I want to write …while
• realizing the need to start writing it before I lost track of what I wanted to write

…which started this list

It all started when I read this article about mental load burnout. The thing that stood out to me was this:  we as women/mothers/wives have a constant list going on in our brains while we go about our lives. You might be cooking dinner, but in the back of your mind, you’re also keeping track of things, such as where the kids are, what you need to add to your grocery list because you just cooked this meal, realizing you need to make an appointment for kid for back to school physical, and the list goes on and on – meanwhile, you’re stirring the dinner in the pot and to anyone walking by you, you look like you’re “just” cooking.

Is this how it is for you?

It is for me. When my husband and I are out having a drink, we might just be sitting and talking, but my mind is still on 20 other things at once. It might sometimes show when I ask him to repeat something or laugh perfunctorily. Is it fair to him? Of course not. Is it fair to me? Hell no. My son is telling me about something that happened at work as we’re driving home. I may appear as though I’m listening, but I’m already back to my constant list: oh, my sibling’s birthday is next week, don’t forget to get a card. Oh wow, they put that store in fast. When do the kids go back to school? What day can I drop off electronics at the dump? Did I remember to drop off that recipe? How many rolls of toilet paper are left in the upstairs bathroom?

It just simply never stops! It makes it very hard to live IN THE MOMENT, to be PRESENT.

Although I am legally married, my husband and I live 2000 miles apart. So I am, for all intent and purposes, a single mom running my household. I am the only one who is in a position to do all this remembering for my children and I. Of course, now that I’m married, I also attempt to do all the remembering for my husband and our business as well. Sometimes it’s obvious to him when we’re in the middle of a conversation and I just break in with something that’s occurred to me, and I simply MUST tell him! It annoys him at times, as well as me.

I assume that as I and my children grow older, the necessity of being the “rememberer” for everyone will fade, and I’ll be left with a quiet mind.  I kind of dread that, because who knows what else might move in to take over the space!

I also wonder:  do men have the same thing going on?

A year ago, I was planning a trip to the west coast, a place I had never been. I was going to meet a man I had never met. He was (and remains) mostly vanilla, and that was (and remains) OK with me.

I had created a new life for myself. I had shed both the physical and emotional ties that had held me for so long, and was enjoying a whole new me. Well, mostly new. I was, and still am, held back by my own misgivings and inabilities, both physical and emotional, but I had decided to throw caution to the wind with a laissez faire attitude. In essence, I was daring myself. Would I have the courage to do this?

I did.

In the process, I had to redefine some friendships that I had forged with a couple of people who (fortunately) were understanding and in doing so, made room in my heart for the man who had belonged there all along.

The journey has been filled with ups and downs. The distance sometimes seems insurmountable. The problems sometimes seem unfixable. Nearly 30,000 miles traveled by me alone, always alone. Yes, I travel with him in my heart, but never by my side. Our visits are always full of fun, business, friends, family – but they’re just visits. While the fight continues at a snail’s pace to change the geographic location, the desire remains strong and true.

Next week, we will celebrate one year together ~ short by most definitions of relationships ~ but hopefully a strong foundation for a lifetime of love, acceptance, friendship and comfort.

It’s gotta be a tribute to my love of my children that the impending “trial” that their father is forcing has turned my heart, literally, into a quivering mess. It’s rewarded me with a 2 a.m. trip to the e.r. because my heart was skipping beats more than once a minute, all night.  Skipping beats at such a rate that I’ve had to add another medication to my list.  The medication seems to be helping to push my emotions over the edge they’re usually dangling near.

See the skip?  Every time it happens, it catches my breath.  Makes it hard to sleep.  The new meds haven’t stopped them – I’m hoping it will start to work soon.

I have been blogging for well over 10 years, but I don’t think I’ve ever blogged the words “I LOVE MY HUSBAND”.  Even when I was happy with my ex and we lived as a married couple, it wasn’t the same.

But here I am, MARRIED and loving my husband.  Sure, it’s only been a couple of months, and sure, we live 2000 miles apart, but still!  I love the fact that he GETS me.  He doesn’t roll his eyes when I call him with that catch in my voice that lets him know I’m ready to cry.  He talks me down when I get upset about the upcoming trial.  He laughs with me, cries with me, teases me, treats me with RESPECT.  We’re equals.

Conversely, I also talk him down when he starts to get overwhelmed by bills or business.  We balance each other out in a way I’ve never experienced before.  With him, I’m “ENOUGH”.

As usual with me, though, I will hedge this by saying “right now”.  I might not be “ENOUGH” for him when we actually share a home, a life, a business, a family.  But it’s a good start.

<3

Rick & I went out for Chinese one of the days I was in Seattle.  Our fortunes read as follows:

Me:  You are given the chance to take part in an exciting adventure.

Him:  Your life becomes more and more of an adventure!

We thought it was so prophetic!

I don’t know when I’ll be back again….

Actually, I’ll be back on Monday.  but yeah… I’m leaving!

A friend from Runescape has invited me out to consult on his new business that he’s looking to buy in Seattle.  He’s paid for my ticket, sent me travel money, and has the hotel booked. Everything is set.  I have not been away from the kids for any length of time in 6 years.  I haven’t been on a vacation in 13 years.  THIS IS EPIC.  My friend (RICK) assures me that this is a vacation, and we’ll be doing all sorts of touristy things like a casino, a ferry ride, the space needle.

I’m really excited about it!

I’ve never met Rick but we’ve talked and been friends for a few years on Runescape.  I’ve spoken to his ex-wife and she assures me that he’s kind, loyal, a great guy that she merely grew away from.  He does drink, which I was aware of, but he has already let me know I’d be doing the driving while we’re there, which I’m perfectly content with.

teasing me only to push me away…

testing the waters to see if you still hold sway…

tempting me with your appeal…

In another attempt to make me feel…

like someone who would be happy, proud…

but being with the likes of you, disallowed…

fuck your games, your precious self…

I’ll put you back up on the shelf…

and wait for the one who can appreciate me…

and not the one who acts like a puss-y.

Mr Wonderful’s profile:

This is his profile.

.I’m 37 From Southeastern KY …I been in this lifestyle for a while now. Anyone who likes my pics and would like to chat please message me , I’m looking for anything from a play date , hook up , to being a live in slave , please message me ….Looking for someone to Help me learn how to serve Satan ….

This is the message he sent me:

please talk to me please !!!!! I am 36. I am from Southeastern KY. I am Looking to be a live in slave. I have been looking for this for a long time. I know I have a odd case but I wish you would think about this. Yes I am Married , I got married when I was 18 and I hate my wife and life . I have kids …16 and 15 my wife is a RN and she will take great care of them . I AM LOOKING TO DROP OFF THE EARTH …BECOME A FULL TIME LIVE IN SLAVE AND NO ONE I KNOW EVER FIND ME AGAIN …I have to have it this way ..I would give you my mind heart body and soul and make the best slave you ever had ..little to know limits ..please please think about it …Thank You with much Respect …Slave Bailey